Just Sad

Im so sad I can’t afford to put down my phone.

I keep scrolling and scrolling, seeing others living their best life.

I don’t know where to place myself because everyone already claimed a spot.

Im so tired I can’t get up.

I don’t eat a lot but my body’s weighing me back.

I’m useless, consistently useless.

No one’s needing me. No one’s wanting me. No one.

Don’t know what’s happening. Anxiety is killing me.

Puff.

Money first before marriage

I know my person loved me so much that it felt surreal sometimes. He showed me things that I didn’t expect, he showed me that not all men are the same. He’s not perfect but he’s close to perfection. He has the ability to make me smile at my lowest, supported me with the things I love doing and respect me, my family, my past, my norms and my values life.

I love him for so many reasons but whenever he asked me why I love him, there’s no word I could tell. Maybe because I love him everyday that I get used to it and forgot the reasons why I loved him in the first place.

Is it wrong of me to love him without reasons? It is wrong if I can’t give him an exact reason why?

But anyways the point here is no matter how important that person is to you. No matter how much love you’ve showed them and them to you. Love just just ain’t enough to get married (well for me).

You have to consider different aspects first before rushing into marriage.

First of is money. Financial stability. When I say financial stability it should be you and your partner being financially stable individually.

I don’t know if is it just me who considered money as a back up plan for everything, but whether you’re like me or not I would still suggest you to have money on your own.

Consider this. As a woman, it is expected of us to stay at home, be a good housewife and a mother of our children while men are deployed outside to look for work and provide food for his family. There’s nothing wrong with it actually.

But is being a wife and a mother all you ever wanted in life. How about your life before marriage. How about your likes and wants. Don’t tell me all those are gone after you’ve tied a knot, I won’t buy it. What if you have cruel in laws that would make you feel useless everyday because all you do was stay at home, get pregnant and repeat.

See, you have to have money as a back up plan. I don’t know how to further explain this but please be financially stable on your own before you get married.

Just random thoughts on my head.

K bye!

5 Seconds

Sometimes a 5 seconds pause in your life can change everything.

5 4 3 2 1 Wake up and stretch that beautiful body.

5 4 3 2 1 Answer that phone call with a calm mind.

5 4 3 2 1 Take responsibility about the decision you made 5 seconds ago.

5 seconds and it will change your life forever.

‘Just read that in my facebook timeline’

Not so familiar Feeling

Got no idea where this random feeling coming from.
There is something raw inside me. Something so foreign and unfamiliar.
I am okay, at least that’s what I feel. I just dont feel better emotionally. Some things are troubling my mind.
A part of me is feeling so useless and a part of me feels too useless. Don’t know which is which but it is what it is.

Waking up every morning is my ultimate favorite, because I feel like God is giving me a favor, he is giving me the benefit of the doubt. I feel like he’s giving me another chance to venture life and find my true purpose.

It sounds wierd when you say. You’ve got to find out your purpose before its too late. I used to laugh at this before because I think when you love what you’re doing, and you dont feel tired doing it, then that’s your purpose. That’s your thing. But damn it, finding your purpose isn’t just a mere “loving what you do” it is more than that.

For 23 years of existence, I haven’t found my purpose yet. And I think that is what truly upset me during quarantine days. The first few months are fun cause I get to spend time with my family 24/7, but as days went on and months without work is still g on, Im slowly realizing things that aren’t supposed to be realised this early.

I realize, what am I doing with my life? What the f*ck is wrong with me?
Why am I like this? Why can’t I do this? And that? Why can’t I even cook? Why cant I do things that people can do so easily without even trying.

Why is she so talented. Why Is she like that. How to become like her. How did she find out things on her own.

WHY AM I SO INSECURE WITH ANYTHING?

Why am I feeling this way? Why do I feel so insecure and sad. Anxiety is slowly replacing my red blood cells. It controls me, it truly is.

I’m a failure, no Im not. But no matter how I convinced myself that Im not, still something from within is pushing itself out just to make me feel like I truly am.

Lord, please help me overcome this feeling. Help me fight all the insecurities Im feeling and let me live a life of your choice.

When time gets tired

We all have all the time in the world to do the things that we want, to eat the foods we crave and to love back the person who loved us genuinely.

We have all the time in the world, but still uses time as an excuse for not doing the things we ought to do.

What if time gets tired of you?

What if time leaves you?

What if all the what ifs are to be true.

Never use time as an excuse for your laziness because all of us know that time isn’t unlimited even to those who know how to use it wisely.

So dont waste time. The things that can be done now should be done now, don’t say there’s still tomorrow cause not all are privileged enough to wake up and experienced the so called tomorrow, tomorrow.